


HSWC 2014 Bonus Round 3 Fills

by spockandawe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Blindness, Blood, Boarding School, Body Horror, Burns, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon: Fullmetal Alchemist Manga, Children, Coffee Shops, Death, Depression, Developing Relationship, Domestic, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Friendship/Love, Gaming, Gen, Ghosts, Giant Robots, Haircuts, Harry Potter References, Helmsman, Hogwarts, Horrorterrors - Freeform, Infomercials, Insomnia, Inspired by Welcome to Night Vale, Lovecraftian, M/M, Magic, Multi, Muslim Character, Old Age, One Night Stands, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Polyamory, Pornstars, Resurrection, Retirement, Science, Sisters, Step-siblings, Superpowers, Vampires, Veterinary Medicine, Werewolves, Witches, X-men Inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-04 21:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 16,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1794025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockandawe/pseuds/spockandawe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All my written fills for the third bonus round of the 2014 HSWC. Some of these go into potentially upsetting topics, but relevant warnings for each of the stories are listed in the notes at the beginning of each chapter.</p><p>    These prompts took the form of AU suggestions</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave/Karkat: An AU Where They Are Mutants Enrolled In Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters And Both Have Insomnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (X-men AU)

         When you finally give up on sleep and wander down to the kitchen. Karkat’s there. He starts talking before you actually reach the door, but you’re close enough to hear.  
  
         “What the hell are you doing up this late?”  
  
         “That’s a bit hypocritical, man.” You shrug. “Every time I pass out, I wake up at nine o’clock again. At some point sleep stops being worth it.”  
  
         He puts his head down on the counter and laughs. “Maybe if you loop the night a few more times, you’ll get your full ten hours.”  
  
         “Maybe. Sure _feels_ like I’m not getting anywhere, though. I think I might be jumping back as soon as I fall asleep. What about you?”  
  
         He makes a face. “Some of the new kids are having nightmares.”  
  
         “Ahh, that sucks. You can’t blame ‘em, though. Some of these dudes are really little.”  
  
         “Do we have any more that are supposed to arrive?”  
  
          You shrug, and go to rummage for chips. “Not that I know of. Don’t we have one _really_ young girl, like, from Ghana or some shit?”  
  
         “Yeah, I heard that she’s got an older sister getting her doctorate over here, so her parents thought this would be good to do the whole mutant thing without getting too far from family.”  
  
         “I heard she’s got super speed.”  
  
         He snorts. “That’s just because she’s a _kid._ The teachers have been keeping real quiet on whatever the fuck she’s got going on, and it’s not that big a deal that I’m going to go prying.”  
  
         You toss him a bag of candy. “She one of the nightmare ones?”  
  
         “Nope. She cuddled one of the kids that was crying until he fell back asleep. I think she’ll be fine.”  
  
         “What about you, dude? You can’t do the whole no-sleep thing until all the kids settle in.” He shrugs and you whap him on the back of the head, then leave your hand resting in his hair. “Seriously, though. If we need to go stay with my bro for a week, I can swing that. Or I could wind you back to last morning when the kids aren’t all busy having nightmares.  
  
         “I’ll fall asleep eventually.”  
  
         “Funny word, ‘eventually.’ True facts, if you look it up in the dictionary, it’s defined as ‘things you tell Dave to make him stop helping you even when you totally need help.’”  
  
         He growls, but he doesn’t knock your hand away. “It’s defined as ‘stop trying to fix problems I didn’t ask you to fix.”  
  
         “Nah, man. You hate missing class, which is what’s going to happen if you stay up all night, and maybe if I try a different time, I’ll stop jumping in my sleep. Let’s do this.”  
  
         He sighs and glares, but stands up and puts an arm around your waist. When he lets his head lean on your shoulder, you’re close enough to see how bad those circles under his eyes really are. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s do this.”

         


	2. Rose & Roxy: An AU Where They Try To Resurrect Their Dead Mother Using Alchemy, Where One Loses An Arm And Leg, And The Other Loses Everything Except her Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for blood, body horror, and talk of death in this story.
> 
> (Fullmetal Alchemist AU)

         It was all so logical. The strict physical components of a human body and strength of will should have been all you needed. You had _both._ Alchemy is chemistry, intent, and skill, it still didn’t work, and it’s all because of you. Your mother is… wrong. Your leg is gone. And so is your sister. It’s your fault. Roxy’s body isn’t _here_ anymore and she’s fading away and you have to save her, but you don’t know _how_ and there’s so much blood.  
  
          You’re in shock. But you have to focus. If your leg was a sacrifice for your mother, perhaps what you need for Roxy is another sacrifice. You’ll do it. _Anything._ But. You need a body for her. You can’t make a body, you can’t, you _can’t,_ and you refuse to look at your mother in the next room. You don’t know how you’ll find her anything. But. Just. Something to tie her here. You can’t let her die. This is your fault and you have to fix it.  
  
          You see the armor across the room. It’s a struggle to inch along the floor. Before you attempt to stand, you tear a strip of cloth from your skirt and tie it around what’s left of your leg. There’s too much blood. You haul yourself up using a table leg, and if you stretch, you can nearly reach, almost—You manage to just barely catch onto it before you lose your balance and go tumbling to the floor. You’re breathless with pain. But. You can’t stop now.  
  
          You wonder for a moment how you’ll manage to find your chalks, before you realize how foolish you’re being. You want to laugh and cry. You push weakly at the helm until it rolls away from the rest of the armor, and reach down to your leg. It’s so difficult. Your hands are shaking so badly, and your vision swims and you’re so afraid you’ll die before you finish. But the seal is drawn and you need to make a contract.  
  
          You can’t find any way better to express yourself beyond begging… something to give her back. And offering whatever they’ll take. She’s all you have left, and this is all your fault. There’s a breathless pause, and you’re certain that you did something wrong. The seal was wrong. Roxy’s dead and you only imagined you could save her. You don’t have enough to give for her to come back. You’re crying, you realize. But then something _shifts._ The armor moves. Your sense of balance changes and you nearly fall sideways. You look down and see an eerily clean cut, only just beginning to bleed. Your shirt is soaked through in seconds. You hear Roxy’s voice, but it doesn’t resolve into words, and the world is grey around the edges, and you can’t seem to breathe. This is the end. If nothing else, you saved her.


	3. Eridan♦Karkat: An AU Where Trolls Are Humans And Humans Are Trolls, And Rose Uses Karkat And Eridan's Relationship To Explain Moirallegiance

         Rose sighs and rubs her forehead and manages to pack a right fuckin _insultin_ amount a world-weariness into the gesture. “Eridan, you do love Karkat, don’t you?”  
  
          Whoa, _whoa,_ it isn’t like that at _all,_ an you an Karkat are all trippin over each other tryin to explain it to her. You catch her rollin her eyes once or twice, but she lets the two a you keep babbling until it you kinda just run outta words an you stumble along to an awkward silence.  
  
          She tries again. “Your definition of love is much too rigid. Consider. Jake and John love each other. Dave and Jane love each other. And Dave and I love each other. And then, of course, John, Roxy, and Dirk all love each other very dearly. But those are four separate quadrants, which are all quite different.”  
  
          “Wait just a goddamn minute,” Karkat interrupts. “Jake and John _hate_ each other. And I thought you couldn’t leave John and Dirk alone together for five fucking minutes.”  
  
          She sighs again. “Jake and John _adore_ each other. Isn’t hate just love expressed in a different way? They would never spend so much time together if they didn’t enjoy it. And auspisticism is incomplete without every member of the triad. You can’t evaluate any pair without considering it in terms of the third. Besides, my purpose was to discuss moirallegiance.”  
  
          You jump in. “Yeah, but. Kar an I are _friends_. Don’t trolls do that? We don’t _love_ each other or nothin.”  
  
          Rose purses her lips for a moment. “Karkat, did you love your father?”  
  
          He snorts and blushes. “I mean. Yeah. I guess. I did.”  
  
          “And you love Terezi. Are those identical emotions?”  
  
          That makes him go pure fuckin beet red and he starts goin off about how he an Terezi aren’t like _that_ an Rose should stop makin assumptions about him an his life, but ohhhh. You see what she’s sayin.  
  
          She catches the look on your face and smiles. But it still doesn’t seem like it quite fits, an you say, “But Rose, it’s different. We’re best friends, you know? Not like we’re goin on dates an romancin each other an shit.”  
  
          She’s still smilin, an you almost feel trapped. “Who would you go to if your heart was broken tomorrow? Don’t bother to answer these, by the way. And who would come to you if the same happened to him? Have you stopped feeling a need to keep secrets from him? Do you regularly talk about your lives, everything that hurts the worst, and do you come away from those conversations feeling like someone cares deeply about you? Would you drop everything, _everything,_ to help him if he needed you, and are you certain that he would do the same for you?” She pauses an just _looks_ at both a you. “And then I ask again, do you love him?”


	4. Eridan/Karkat: A Hogwarts AU Where They're Both Sorted Into Slytherin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mild prejudice (against mudbloods)
> 
> (Harry Potter AU)

         You’re sulkin. Just a bit. Because, well, you finally get to fuckin Hogwarts, an you’re all ready to start your education an be recognized for your talent like shoulda happened _years_ ago, an you got sorted into Slytherin an it’s all right an proper. But then you go up to your prefect an ask when you can start your lessons in the forbidden arts, an the asshole just _laughs_ at you. He even ruffled your _hair,_ an now you’re in the bathroom pretendin like it takes a good half hour to comb your hair into place an _you’re not upset at all._  
  
          Sure seems like there’s someone upset, though. Didn’t even realize he was here for a good twenty minutes. If he’s cryin in the stall, he’s bein right quiet about it. Leastaways, he’s not intrudin on your deep ponderin about your future, but you wish he’d just get his ass in gear an get the fuck out of _your_ bathroom. You could leave. An you’re right sick of “fixin” your hair. But you don’t _want_ to go back to the fuckin feast and put up with a bunch a idiots who wouldn’t know a powerful wizard if he hexed their asses off.  
  
          You take the mature approach. You open the bathroom door an shut it. You take up a station over in the corner, so this kid can just get the fuck out with some dignity an leave you to your thoughts. He opens his stall about ten seconds later, but when he sees you he stops right dead an looks you in the face an _that’s not playin by the rules._  
  
          “Real fucking cute,” he says.  
  
          You shrug. You’re above this. Plus, ha, his eyes are redder than yours. “What’s your problem?”  
  
          He doesn’t just back down an go, which isn’t _nice._ “What’s yours? I had no idea people were physically capable of combing their hair for that long. Try not to pull a muscle or anything.”  
  
          “Yeah?” you snap, “Well I’d be worryin about your fuckin ass sittin alone on a toilet seat for who knows how long. What’ve you even got to whine about?”  
  
          He snorts. “I only got sorted into _Slytherin,_ what do you think my problem is?”  
  
          “Whoa, _whoa._ What are you, a fuckin mudblood? I don’t know who’s been tellin tales, but bein sorted into Slytherin is the _opposite_ of a problem.”  
  
          “Classy. I might be new to this but I know a fucking slur when I hear it. And what, where’d you get sorted then? Want to trade?”  
  
          You’re right fuckin breathless that he thinks even for a _moment_ that you’d be sorted anywhere _but_ Slytherin an you’re gearin up for a fight when he puts his hands up an backs down. “No, I saw you at the table too, right? Seems like all your dreams came true, so I don’t know what you’re doing crying in a bathroom.”  
  
          Hey, no, you definitely _were not crying,_ but, uh. There’s other things you can talk about here. You kind of. Sniffle. “I asked a prefect a very serious question, an he fuckin made fun of me.”  
  
          When you say it out loud, it kinda sounds. Dumb. But the kid actually nods and puts a sympathetic arm around your shoulders. “Teenagers are real fucking assholes. I’ve got older brothers, and let me tell you, I’m looking forward to this whole living away from home thing.”  
  
          “Yeah, well you’re clearly _not_ doin it right, because your house is supposed to be, like. Your second family. An you don’t even want to be in it.”  
  
          He grimaces. “Well. I’ve been hearing, you know. Stories.”  
  
          “Fuckin _slander._ Everyone always talks shit about Slytherin, nobody bothers to say the stuff everyone thinks about the other houses. My family, we’ve been Slytherins all the way back since the school was _founded._ Nobody talks about how Ravenclaws got their noses so far in books they don’t do anythin practical. An Gryffindors are always gettin into shit they can’t fix themselves because they don’t bother to think before they do anythin.” You whisper, conspiratorially, “Rumor is it’s ‘cause Gryffindors aren’t actually capable of _thought._ ”  
  
          That last bit makes him laugh, an it feels like victory. “Yeah? So what’s the good part about Slytherin, then? Because let me tell you, I’ve been hearing a metric fuck-ton of bad shit.”  
  
          “Slytherin, it’s like, ambition, you know? We’re the guys as knows what we want, but we also have the skills to _get_ it.” He’s perkin up as you talk, and it makes you want to keep talkin. It’s not all that comfortable in the bathroom, an you’re startin to think longingly of all the food you left behind in the Great Hall. “Hey, why don’t we go out an get somethin to eat before it’s all gone… uh. You know, I never actually caught your name.”  
  
          “Karkat Vantas.”  
  
          “Kar, huh? Want to go get some food?”  
  
          He shrugs like he doesn’t care, but he looks much happier than he did a few minutes ago. “Sure. I mean, I guess. But you should actually tell me _your_ name too, you know.”  
  
          You grin. “Eridan. Eridan Ampora.”


	5. Bro/Jake: A Domestic AU Where They're Married And Jake Constantly Uses Bro's Credit Card To Buy Infomercial Merchandise

         “So, dude. About these charges.”  
  
         He winces and laughs and grins, and wow, yeah, it is completely fucking unfair how hard it is to stay mad at Jake English.  
  
         “Sorry about that! But you know, you’re just cooking or cleaning or whatever, and you’ve got the ol’ box on and you see something that would just help so much with what you’re doing, and you just can’t help yourself.”  
  
         “This is every _week,_ man. Like this… what’s it called, the weight thing.”  
  
         “The shake weight! Because see, the way it moves, it gives me a better workout _much_ faster. It’s, er, dynamic inertia? I think that’s what it was called.”  
  
         “But dude. It looks like you’re… you know.”  
  
         His face is totally blank.  
  
         “Choking the chicken. Liquidating inventory. Consulting with your silent partner—”  
  
         “Okay, okay, jeez!” Heh. You kind of wish he was as pale as you just so you could see how badly he’s blushing. Based on his expression, you’re guessing he’d be red all the way out to his shoulders.  
  
         “Or what about the weird towel thing that you wear around?”  
  
         “Well, sometimes a chap is maybe still a bit damp from the shower and needs to get something done around the house without worry whether his towel’s about to make a break for it.” He gives you his most winning smile. “You know you think it’s cute.”  
  
         You want to argue, but. Well. He does have a point there. “Okay, fine, I see where you’re coming from. But that bear that you put on your seatbelt, that’s totally indefensible.”  
  
         “It’s not! I mean, sure, it looks silly, but I hate it when the seatbelt rubs my neck, and that hasn’t been a problem at all since I bought this. I bought you one too, you know.”  
  
         “But, dude. It’s a teddy bear. They call it the fucking _tiddy_ bear for chrissake.”  
  
         “Ah. Well. Yes, that’s not ideal, but you get used to it after a week or two, I promise—”  
  
         “Nope. That is non-negotiable.”  
  
He rolls his eyes at you. “I do try to get things you’ll enjoy too, and you never bother to even give them a chance.”  
  
         “Hey, whoa, I try out all of the random kitchen shit you buy. I don’t even know how much of our space is devoted to your extensive collection of egg-preparation devices, and I’ve tried out every single one of those things.”  
  
         “That’s not what I meant. Those are for _me,_ and I don’t flipping _care_ whether you think they’re weird or not. I’m talking about the things I buy for you. You’ll make fun of them, sure, but you never actually _try_ them.”  
  
         “That’s not fair, dude. What am I supposed to do with a putter for using while I’m on the toilet? I’m in and out of that bathroom like a goddamn ninja.”  
  
         “What about that sleeve pillow?”  
  
         “Nope. Not even irony could save that shit.”  
  
         “Well, how about the fact that it takes you _hours_ longer than me to fall asleep, every night?”  
  
         “Part of life. I don’t care. It’s nice to just chill with you in bed while I wait for sleep to happen. I’m used to it by now.”  
  
         He slips an arm around your waist. “Yeah, but you told me you spend your lunch breaks with your office locked, passed out on the desk almost every day.”  
  
         You shrug. “It works.”  
  
         “Can you see any connection to how I give you backrubs every time you come home from work and how your neck is always a right mess? And how maybe something to align your neck better might help with that problem? Maybe a certain something that slips onto your arm and might be a very convenient spot to rest your head?” He stretches up to kiss your cheek. “Just something to think about.”  
  
         “Huh.” You rest your chin on the top of his head and absently put your arms around him. “You know. Well. From a certain point of view. It’s like _meta_ -irony, you know, because, uh. Because it’s not actual irony at all, but by. Acting in a certain way, as it were, I could. You know.”  
  
         You trail off into awkward silence, but he just grins up at you. “I know. I’ll just go dig that up for you before you go into work tomorrow. And, well, while we’re being open-minded, I can slip a tiddy bear into your car too—”  
  
          “ _No._ ”


	6. Sollux/Dirk: A Hogwarts AU Where The First Years Find Out About The Rules Against Muggle Gadgets And Start Going Into Tech Withdrawal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Harry Potter AU)

         “It’s hopeless, bro.”  
  
         “You shut the fuck up. There’s no room for quitters here. You can get right the hell out if you’re going to have that sort of attitude.”  
  
         Dirk twitches a shoulder. “Nah. Plus, you wouldn’t be happy unless it was a group of two.”  
  
         He’s right, but you’re not going to admit it. “Then why don’t you keep working on how we’re going to _fix_ this?”  
  
         He leans back in on his stool and stretches. “I’ve been talking to some of the older students. Muggle-born ones. They tried messing with this stuff too when they were our age, and none of them got anywhere. There aren’t even _rumors_ that anyone had any luck, so you know it’s bad.”  
  
         “That just means nobody was smart enough to deal with this shit. We’re smarter than any of the assholes who tried messing with this before. Get back to taking notes on the spells they use to disrupt technology.”  
  
         “My fingers are cramping up. I didn’t even use _pens_ when I could help it, and now we’re stuck writing with goddamn feathers. Relax, dude. Let’s take a minute and just talk this thing through.”  
  
         You glare, but. Well. Your hands aren’t doing so great either, and it feels good to put down your quill. “Okay. Then what are we talking about?”  
  
         “Here’s the deal. Twenty years ago? I don’t think magically interfering with tech would have been a big deal at all. But even if the wizarding world as a whole seems determined to write off the entire field of technology, it must be way more complicated now to account for everything they want to mess with. Consider this: a decade ago, maybe someone would have tried to smuggle a calculator into school. Now I know you smuggled in at least a laptop and a smartphone, and I’ve got my own stash of electronics that won’t work. Our stuff has some decent power behind it, so what’s the school doing to shut it down?”  
  
         You pause. “Well, the stuff we find about the magic they use isn’t at all fucking clear. Probably because they know people like us will come digging for information.”  
  
         “Okay, well there’s a lot more _variety_ in electronics than there used to be. They probably can’t keep track of every specific thing. So what’s the school using as a blanket grouping to block all the tech out?”  
  
         “Electricity, probably. There aren’t any outlets in the school, but I was ready to charm a generator to charge my shit. It’s not only that my laptop won’t work, but the generator doesn’t actually convert energy at all.”  
  
          “But there’s cases where electronics are still golden. There’s been cars on school grounds before. That wouldn’t work unless at least the battery was still going strong.”  
  
         You groan and rub at your eyes. “If we can’t fix this by Christmas, we should bring back batteries and see if they still work in the castle. And then we should take them home again and see if they held their charge. This is a nightmare.”  
  
         Dirk leans forward and grins. “No, man. There has to be something we can work with. Because these wizards may be all anti-tech for whatever reason, but they’ve shown that it’s possible to use at least some stuff when _they_ decide they want it. So there has to be an in for us. We’re smart enough, _and_ fresh enough to find it.”  
  
         You catch yourself getting excited. “You’re _right!_ If we waited until we got out of school, we’d be brainwashed into thinking computers and shit are useless too. And the cars, you’re right, there’s definitely a way to make this work—”  
  
         He grabs his quill and starts making notes on his parchment. “Okay, the cars, that’s our starting point. They’re clearly Muggle-made. The tech was independently functional and it got magically adapted.”  
  
         “Right, so we need to figure out what components were enchanted and how that interacted with the rest of everything.”  
  
         “It’s reasonable to assume that some experimentation had to happen before they found the right balance of spells.” He pauses and taps his nose with the top of his quill. “I wonder if we could get into one of the cars without getting caught.”  
  
         “Whoa, I don’t know about you, but I know approximately jack shit about cars.”  
  
         He shrugs. “Yeah, and I’m pretty sure the teachers would figure out what we’re trying to do anyways. Best way forward is to experiment on our own, then.”  
  
         “We might break our stuff if we fuck this up.”  
  
         Dirk turns, scans the library to be sure nobody’s too close, and grins. “Among other things, I’ve got at least five handheld gaming systems we can screw with, no problem. I put some decoys in the top of my luggage that got confiscated, but most of my stuff made it through okay. I’m guessing you did similar?”  
  
         You scowl. “The important stuff, I hid. But I didn’t think they’d actually _search_ my shit and I don’t have as much as I wish. And I really, really don’t want to fuck up my laptop or my phone. They’re brand new and I can’t afford to replace them.”  
  
         He puts a companionable arm around your shoulders. “We can fuck up my crap, no problem. But if something bad does happen to your stuff, I’m sure my Bro can help us out. He’s all about sticking it to the man.”  
  
         “So what should we do first, then?”

          “Take a methodological approach, keep good notes, maybe run some experiments. Enchant non-essential components first and go from there?”  
  
         “Sound systems and shit, you mean? Seems good to me. When are you free?”  
  
         “Tonight. Or, you know, right now. I don’t know about you, but I think I might actually, literally explode if I don’t get to do some gaming in the very near future. You know, last week my Bro smuggled me the latest Pokemon games in a hollowed-out book.”  
  
         Your mouth is hanging open and you don’t even care. “You’re fucking kidding me.”  
  
         “Do I look like I kid? And, as it happens, I am in fact in possession of two, count ‘em, two gameboys. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”  
  
         You’re grinning from ear to ear and feeling happier than you have in weeks. “I’m thinking it’s time to do some science.”


	7. Equius♥Eridan: AU Where Eridan Takes His Pet To The Vet And Falls Head Over Heels For The Kind, Caring, Smoking Hot Veterinarian

         There are too many fuckin animals in this goddamn waitin room. And dogs, right, who even _likes_ dogs? There’s a massive ugly mutt a some kind on the other side a your bench, sittin an lookin around, an you’re fair certain he’d _eat_ your cat if he had half a chance. An his owner’s just sittin there with her face in a magazine an payin absolutely no attention to the way her goddamn pet is eyeing your cat carrier.  
  
         There’s a person with a bird across the room, an you don’t like birds any more than dogs, nasty messy things shittin all over the place, but your cat isn’t gonna be _eaten_ by a bird anytime soon, an who the fuck brings a dog like that to a place with other people’s animals? You’re just thinkin a gettin up an checkin that bird out just to get away from that fuckin _dog_ when finally the receptionist calls your name.  
  
         You hustle right on back to the room she leads you to, an settle in with a sigh. You just sit an relax for a minute, an the door swings open again and you jump just a bit at the massive fuckin guy loomin over you. You’re all set to be pissed again, but before you can even get properly angry, he crouches down, looks in your cat carrier, and _smiles,_ and, uh. Wow. You just kinda stutter to a halt.  
  
         He puts a hand right by the cage to be sniffed, and only then does he turn to you. “Mister Ampora and Dualscar Ampora, I believe? Doctor Zahhak. That is an interesting name for a cat.”  
  
         Your face is goin shamefully red, because, see, it’s a _cool_ name, it’s real badass, an it makes total sense when you see Dualscar’s face why you’d be callin him that, but it is a name that can sorta sound like somethin a teenage asshole would come up with. Also, you were a teenage asshole when you came up with it. “Yes, that’s us. Eridan and, uh. Dualscar.”  
  
         You’re makin a right fuckin idiot a yourself, but he’s not properly watchin you, which is _just fine_ in your books right now. “And what seems to be the problem with Dualscar?”  
  
         “Well, he’s a house cat, properly, but he doesn’t know it. He’s a right escape artist an he got out the yesterday an came back limpin a few hours later. It’s happened once or twice before, but he’s not gettin better on his own, an if you look at his right front paw, it’s all swollen up.”  
  
          You open Dualscar’s carrier an take him out to show the vet. Your fuckin cat hisses at him, because your cat is an _asshole._ The doc just takes his time, though, an you can tell he’s real good at animals, because it’s only a minute or two before Dualscar relaxes enough that his claws aren’t digging into your leg an you can shift him up to the table. Doc Zahhak just moves slowly, takin his time, examinin the paw in question, an makin little ‘hrrm’ sounds.  
  
         “Well, it’s difficult to say for certain at this point, but I believe your cat may have stepped on a bee.”  
  
         You swallow. “Will he need surgery?”  
  
         The doc laughs, an you can’t even find it in you to be mad at him. “Oh, no. This is a problem that will fix itself, given a little more time. We’ll set Dualscar up with some pain medicine for the next few days, and I think we’ll also give him a cone so he can’t irritate the affected area further. The sting has worked its way out, as far as I can tell, and he should improve rapidly from this point forward.”  
  
         You just about sag in relief. Not that you’re given to flights of fancy or anythin, but visions of amputations an shit had been hangin over your head. You thank the doc a few times before makin any effort to wrestle Dualscar back into his carrier.  
  
          As you’re gettin set to head out an collect the medicine, the doc scribbles something on a notepad and tears off a sheet for you. It’s a name an a phone number. “Mr. Ampora, if you have any further questions, please, do feel free to give me a call.”  
  
          You’re a bit lost because this isn’t part a the script, is it? You say, “Uh, sure. Thanks,” before headin out, an you’ve almost let the door shut behind you before your slow fuckin brain catches up, an _oh._  
  
          You stumble back into the room an grab the notepad, scribblin down somethin that’s hopefully half legible. “An doc, if you have any questions about, uh, Dualscar, you can give me a call too. If you ever wanted to, um. Talk about him. I’m free this Saturday night. If. If that works for you?”  
  
          You’re kickin yourself, because that was the most godawful clumsy shit you’ve ever pulled, but the doc carefully tears off the piece of paper, folds it, and tucks it into a pocket. He smiles at you, an you’re maybe a little bit breathless. “I’d like that very much.”


	8. Meulin♦Mituna: AU Where They Were Childhood Friends

         The kid in your schoolfeeding class says he’s going to be a helm when he grows up. You believe him! You know two or three other psionics, but none of them can do anything close to the tricks Mituna shows you. You tell him you’re going to be a purrbeast when _you_ grow up, and you like him because he laughs, but not because he thinks you’re weird, but in a way that means he thinks you’re cool. You could get used to people thinking you’re cool!  
  
          Mituna’s definitely cool. It turns out your hive isn’t very far from his, and your mom and his dad take you to each other’s places to play all the time. His dad’s a bicyclops, which is really super _perfect_ for Mituna, with the blue and red, and the number two. He lets you climb all over him when you’re playing, and sometimes Mituna lifts you up with his psionics to sit up there between his dad’s heads. Up there, you’re taller than _anyone,_ even an adult. Your mom takes you guys hunting, and while he might not be as naturally furrocious as you are, it turns out his psionics are pretty good help for that too!  
  
          Sometimes, he has to go off to see helm doctors for them to evaluate his progress or something, to test his psionics and be sure that he’s still on track to be a helm after ascension. Whenever he comes back from one of those appointments, he tells you _all_ about it, and those are the coolest stories you’ve ever heard. He tries to tell you how heavy a starship is, and it’s really hard to visualize, but you think of as many trunkbeasts as you can, all stacked up together in a huge pile. And then you think about Mituna lifting them. He’s _so cool!_  
  
          One time, after you’ve known each other for about a sweep, you’re having a sleepover and you’re just getting drowsy when he rolls over and looks at you and asks if you’re culling him. It takes you totally by surprise. You have to pause, because yeah, you’re technically higher than him on the hemocaste, and psionics serve the public so the public is supposed to serve _psionics,_ but it’s wrong, it’s really wrong in a way you can’t quite describe. You just tell him that you’re _not_ as emphatically as you can. He laughs and tells you that’s good, because it’d be really fucking lame if you were. You don’t know quite what he’s getting at, but shrug it off and go to sleep.  
  
          The next morning he wakes up before you do, which isn’t how things usually go. You roll over and he’s not there, and it makes you curious enough to get up and go looking for him. You’re thinking that maybe he’s in the food preparation block, but you turn a few corners, and there he is, lounging on a pile made of pillows and snuggleplanes. He waggles his eyebrows at you and asks if you want to talk about feeeeeeelings. It takes you a moment to catch up, but oh. _Oh._ You get it. You grin at him and tell him that feelings are fine, but only if you get to practice giving hornrubs while you do it. He sighs heavily and tells you he _supposes_ that’ll be fine. The two of you laugh and laugh as you climb up on the pile and lie down beside him.


	9. Redglare♠Condesce: AU Where Redglare Cuts Off The Condesce's Hair As A Pitch Overture And The Condesce Takes It Badly

neophyteRedglare [NR] began trolling herImperiousCondescension [HIC]  
  
NR: h3llo th3r3!!  
HIC: you  
HIC: im gonna tear you into so many fuckin pieces nobodys even gonna know it useta be a troll  
HIC: what da fucks this teal mush all over the coddamn place  
HIC: thats gonna be you  
HIC: do not even T)(INK i am kiddin here  
NR: why your cond3sc3ns1on!!  
NR: 1m fl4ttered but th4t would b3 most unw1s3 of you  
HIC: cute but no  
HIC: your ass is grass soon as my soldiers get their claws on you  
HIC: you done FUCK----ED UP somefin fierce  
NR: your cond3sc3ns1on  
NR: cons1d3r  
NR: how long d1d th4t h41r t4k3 to grow??  
NR: 1 w1ll 3st1m4t3 th4t 1t w4s qu1t3 4 long t1m3 1nd33d  
HIC: beach that hair took SW--E------EPS  
HIC: longer than you been alive  
NR: you c4nnot 4fford to st4y out of the publ1c 3y3 for th4t long  
NR: or you c4n choos3 to do so  
NR: but 1 b3l14v3 th4t you w1ll f1nd yours3lf qu1t3 un4bl3 to rul3 4n 3mp1r3 1n th4t w4y  
NR: w1ll you 3v3n b3 th3 3mpr3ss wh3n you r3turn 4g41n??  
NR: th4t 1s 4 v3ry 1nt3r3st1ng qu3st1on  
HIC: you fuckin basshole  
NR: 4dd1t1on4lly th3 long3r you d3l4y th3 r3v34l of your dr4m4t1c n3w h41rstyl3  
NR: th3 strong3r popul4r op1n1on w1ll b3 th4t you 4r3 4SH4M3D of your d4sh1ng n3w h41rcut  
HIC: then the fuck you expect me to do  
NR: 4s such!!  
NR: you h4v3 only on3 opt1on l3ft to you  
NR: 3mbr4c3 th3 h41rcut >:]  
HIC: fuck no  
HIC: beach you must high as shit  
NR: 1 4m not h1gh 4s sh1t!!  
NR: or 3v3n r3gul4r h1gh  
NR: 1 only sp34k of pr4ct1c4l1t13s  
HIC: practicalities aint gonna do S)(IT once i get my fronds on you  
NR: ooooh your cond3sc3ns1on!! >:O  
HIC: shut the fuck up that aint what I meant  
NR: cons1d3r1ng th4t c3rt41n s3l3ct coll34gu3s of m1n3 h4v3 b33n 1nform3d 1 g4ve 4 myst3r1ous 1llustr1ous p3rson4g3 4n 1mport4nt h41rcut l4t3ly…  
NR: 1 4m 4fr41d th4t 1f you cull3d m3 th3 story of your wond3rful n3w look w1ll spr34d 3v3n f4st3r th4n 1f 1 w3r3 to b3 l3ft 4l1v3 >:]  
HIC: beach im gonna make you pay one way or the other  
HIC: youre gonna be regrettin this shit for SW---E----------EPS  
NR: 1 4m 4m3n4bl3 to such 4 cond1t1on!!  
NR: s4y 4 d1nn3r d4t3 for 1n1t14l n3got14t1ons??  
NR: 1m fr33 two d4ys from now  
NR: 4nd 1 stol3 4 copy of your sch3dul3 so 1 know you 4r3 too  
HIC: dinner date  
HIC: the fuck  
NR: why your cond3sc3ns1on!!  
NR: you c4nt t3ll 4 g1rl your3 go1ng to m4k3 h3r p4y for sw33ps 4nd just l34v3 h3r h4ng1ng l1k3 th4t  
NR: you pr4ct1c4lly told m3 1 w4s go1ng to b3 scr34m1ng your n4m3 >;]  
NR: d1nn3r d4t3 1n two n1ghts th3n  
NR: 1ll s3nd you th3 d3t41ls of our r3s3rv4t1ons  
  
neophyteRedglare [NR] ceased trolling herImperiousCondescension [HIC]  
  
HIC: wait  
HIC: the fuck just happened


	10. John/Rose/Dave/Jade: AU Where They're All Different Supernatural Creatures, But Still Get Along Great

GG: hey!!  
GG: is anyone around?  
TG: sup  
TG: wait isnt tonight supposed to be a full moon  
TG: i can see it right outside the window  
TG: how are you typing with paws  
TG: are you pressing the keys with your nose  
GG: i think you might be forgetting a pretty significant time zone difference :P  
TT: She should have at least another hour more before she has to log off  
GG: hey dave how are you typing right now??  
GG: i can see the sun outside so how come YOU arent burning up????  
EB: ha, burn!!  
TT: Do you get it Dave?  
TT: Because burning… -and- the burn.  
TG: holy shit can you guys lay off already  
TG: you can stop dogpiling me now  
TG: get it rose  
TG: because DOGS  
GG: wolves and dogs arent the same at all!  
GG: thats not very sensitive :(  
EB: wow dave, you’re doing great tonight!  
TG: jesus christ  
TG: can we just make fun of john now  
TG: lets do that  
TG: hey john how are you holding that keyboard in your incorporeal hands huh  
TG: explain that away  
TT: I don’t think it’s wise to antagonize someone who has previously proven willing to travel great distances, simply for the purpose of revenge pranking.  
TT: Particularly when you’re confined to your coffin all day.  
EB: oooh, that’s true!  
EB: i've got some great ideas, then!  
TG: oh my god rose stop enabling him  
TG: what am i supposed to antagonize you instead  
TG: thanks but im not that dumb  
GG: how long did it take that last hex to wear off?  
TG: like an entire goddamn month  
TG: nothing is worth that  
TT: Only a month?  
TT: I could have done better.  
GG: haha we could start an entire separate memo dedicated to getting revenge on dave!  
TG: holy shit you guys are mean today  
EB: look out, or he’ll send you doggy toys again for your next birthday!  
GG: but I LIKE getting doggy toys :D  
TG: is there no way to divert this conversation away from just giving me shit  
EB: well, jade will be logging off pretty soon.  
EB: we could talk about how to prank her instead!  
GG: john!!!  
TG: yeah i can get behind this  
EB: rose, you in?  
TT: …  
TT: I’m sorry, Jade.  
GG: oh nooooo! D:  
TT: I’ll enchant a frisbee for you to make up for it.  
TT: Something that will throw itself, perhaps?  
GG: :O  
GG: really???  
TT: It’ll be harder than a ball, because I’ll need to work out the balance.  
TT: But it should be very doable.  
GG: youre the best!!  
EB: hey, you should make dave a frisbee too!  
EB: he’s got the right teeth to catch it.  
TG: my teeth are delicate instruments dude  
TG: theyre just made to break skin not hunt wild animals or whatever it is jade does  
TG: i might add that i feel zero urge to go chasing frisbees or balls or any of that shit  
GG: you should try it!!  
GG: I bet youd like it if you gave it a chance  
TG: also my teeth are real  
TG: unlike some peoples  
TG: wow john just look at how physical they are  
TG: fucking incredible  
EB: it must suck to have a physical body!  
EB: glad i don’t have to worry about that stuff anymore.  
TT: As entertaining as this is, I have something cooking that is about to require my attention.  
GG: how urgent is it??  
TT: If I don’t attend to it soon, you may never hear from me again.  
TG: seems like an okay reason to go  
TG: its kind of lame but i guess i can accept it  
EB: think you’ll be on later?  
TT: I’m not sure.  
TT: This may take some time.  
TG: yo ill be on all night  
TG: i dont have anything to take care of  
GG: and ive got to go really soon :(  
TG: want to move this into private chat so we dont leave a wall of text for everyone to deal with  
TG: and then we can talk shit about the girls  
TG: and by shit i mean we can talk about birthday presents  
TG: because i have approximately jack shit in the way of ideas  
GG: thanks :P  
TG: hey i am no connoisseur of the world of high end dog toys  
TG: if im to get you the best there is i need to get some consultation  
EB: standing by to provide consultation, mister strider!  
TT: I should go now.  
TT: Goodbye  
TT: I’ll work on your frisbee tomorrow.  
GG: bye rose!!!!  
GG: and i should be going now too i think  
EB: bye!  
EB: go ahead and message me whenever you’re free again!  
EB: i should be online.  
EB: unless i'm making a cross-country trip to texas.  
TG: dude  
TG: youd better only make that trip if it is for the purposes of real life bro time  
TG: fucking pranks are not okay  
EB: i've just always got so much free time whenever you’re asleep.  
EB: the temptation is too great!  
TG: no  
TG: i swear to god i will make rose find a way to help me get my revenge  
TG: also  
TG: were doing that wall of text thing i just said we shouldnt do  
EB: private chat?  
TG: sounds like a plan to me  
EB: i'll meet you there in ten seconds!  
EB: see you soon!


	11. Vriska♥Kanaya: AU Where The Dolorosa And Mindfang Get Human Married And Their Children Take One Look At Each Other And Realize 'Oh No, She's Hot'

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]  
  
AG: Ughhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  
GC: HOO BOY  
GC: F4M1LY L1F3 NOT TR34T1NG YOU SO GR34T??  
GC: 1TS PR3TTY NORM4L TO N33D T1M3 TO 4DJUST TO 4 N3W P4R3NT  
AG: No.  
AG: The new mom’s pretty okay, I guess.  
AG: It ticks me off that 8oth the moms want to be called mom.  
AG: That’s going to 8ecome annoying really fast.  
AG: 8ut she’s nice.  
GC: WH4TS THE PROBL3M TH3N?  
AG: Kanaya.  
GC: TH3 N3W S1ST3R?  
GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 G3TT1NG 4LONG OK4Y W1TH H3R  
GC: OR 4T L34ST TOL3R4T1NG H3R  
AG: Yeah, I mean I guess so, 8ut it was different seeing her when our moms are hanging out.  
AG: That was just like, restaurants or 8eing on trips or whatever.  
AG: It’s not like we were hanging out together, and now we’re living in the same house.  
AG: We’re even sh8ring the same 8athroom!!!!!!!!  
GC: 1S TH4T R34LLY MUCH OF 4 PROBL3M FOR YOU?  
GC: 1TS NOT L1K3 MOST OF YOUR D4Y 1S SP3NT 1N TH4T ROOM  
GC: DO3S SH3 ST4Y 1N TH3R3 POOP1NG FOR HOURS?? >:]  
AG: What?  
AG: Sometimes you’re really fucking weird, you know that?  
GC: YOU H4V3 YOUR OWN B3DROOM, R1GHT?  
AG: Well yeah, if they’d tried to make me share a 8edroom I would’ve run away or something.  
AG: And I don’t even mind moving out of the old apartment so much, 8ecause new mom’s house is really nice.  
AG: 8ut Kanaya, UGH.  
GC: YOU 4LW4YS S41D B3FOR3 TH4T SH3 S33M3D N1C3 >:?  
GC: TO QUOT3: YOU GOT 4LONG F11111111N3  
AG: Yeah, 8ut I was trying to say that was knowing her pretty casually.  
AG: It was a8out what our moms were into, we were just along for the ride.  
AG: And she seemed pretty quiet and laid 8ack so it was like whatever.  
AG: 8ut we start living together, the hija8 comes off, and it turns out she’s really snarky and assertive????????  
GC: 1 WOULDN’T N3C3SS4R1LY 3QU4T3 TH4T W1TH TH3 H1J4B COM1NG OFF >:/  
GC: NOT 3V3RYON3 1S QU1T3 SO UNR3STR41N3D 1N PUBL1C 4S W3 4R3  
GC: SH3S PROB4BLY JUST MOR3 COMFORT4BL3 ON H3R HOM3 TURF  
AG: Yeah, 8ut it ch8nges everything!  
GC: DO3S 1T? >:?  
GC: NOT GO1NG TO LI3 1 DONT R34LLY S33 1T  
AG: Okay, like.  
AG: She’s actually really hot????????  
GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
AG: Sh8t 8p!!!!!!!!  
AG: I h8d her all f8gured out!  
AG: 8nd then she turns the ta8les on me and everyth8ng’s different.  
AG: It ch8nges lots of th8gs!  
AG: And mom told me that new mom was afraid of kanaya making a 8ad impression and made her tone down the m8keup thing while the moms were still d8ing.  
AG: Turns out she likes th8ngs like 8lack lipstick.  
AG: And green lipstick.  
GC: OOOH TH4T SOUNDS T4STY  
AG: Sh8t up, Terezi!  
AG: A look like that should just 8e screaming Hot Topic try-hard.  
AG: There’s no reason it should look so good on her!!!!!!!!  
AG: She’s even got a massive pile of nail polish in a m8llion shades of 8lack that’s actually halal or wh8tever.  
AG: I’m pretty sure her m8keup rack is 8igger than my shoe rack.  
GC: SO WH4T 3X4CTLY 1S TH3 PROBL3M H3R3 >:?  
GC: TH1S SOUNDS L1K3 4 PR3TTY GOOD S1TU4T1ON  
AG: The pro8lem is that I’ve 8een acting like an 8diot for m8nths and Kanaya must th8nk I’m a c8mplete moron!!!!!!!!  
GC: 4WWWW TH4TS SO CUT3  
GC: 1 DOUBT K4N4Y4 TH1NKS YOUR3 4 MORON  
GC: H4S SH3 B33N 4CT1NG M34N OR 4NYTH1NG??  
GC: M4YB3 YOU C4N G3T YOUR MOM TO G1V3 YOU TH3 F4M1LY GOSS1P  
AG: Noooooooo, she’s 8een acting re8lly nice and she’s 8een super friendly 8nd stuff.  
AG: Wh8ch makes it even worse th8t it’s t8ken me so long to get my 8rain in gear!!!!!!!!  
GC: C4LM DOWN TH3R3  
GC: 4 W33K 1S NOT 4CTU4LLY 4 LONG T1M3  
AG: Yeah, 8ut she’s 8een super nice and I totally f8cked up my chance to make a good impress8on.  
GC: CORR3CT M3 1F 1M WRONG  
GC: BUT 1M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU M4D3 YOUR F1RST 1MPR3SS1ON MONTHS 4GO  
AG: Uh.  
AG: Yeah, I guess.  
GC: 4ND DO YOU TH1NK SH3’D ST1LL B3 4CT1NG N1C3 1F SH3 H4DNT D3C1D3D SH3 L1K3D YOU F1N3??  
AG: When you put it like th8t this sounds really dum8.  
AG: 8ut I don’t know how to act right!  
GC: TH3 F1RST ST3P 1S TO STOP OV3RTH1NK1NG 1T 4ND FR34K1NG YOURS3LF OUT >:/  
GC: JUST 4CT N4TUR4L  
GC: 1F YOU H4V3NT DR1V3N H3R 4W4Y Y3T TH3N SH3LL PROB4BLY ST1CK 4ROUND >:]  
AG: …  
AG: Fuck you too, Terezi.  
GC: H3R3 1 4M 4BOUT TO US3 MY PSYCH1C POW3RS  
GC: 1 S33  
GC: VR1SK4 1S 1N 4 HOUS3  
GC: K4N4Y4 1S 4LSO 1N 4 HOUS3  
GC: VR1SK4 1S B31NG UNSOC14BL3 4ND 1GNOR1NG K4N4Y4 1N F4VOR OF T4LK1NG ON TH3 1NT3RN3T  
GC: 3V3N THOUGH K4N4Y4 1S 4LMOST D3F1N1T3LY 4 V3RY N1C3 P3RSON 4ND WOULD T4LK TO VR1SK4 1F VR1SK4 D1DNT H4V3 H3R F4C3 BUR13D 1N 4 COMPUT3R  
GC: 4M 1 R1GHT??  
GC: 1M TOT4LLY R1GHT  
AG: W8w, lay off already!  
GC: 1 4M 4BOUT TO DO 4 TH1NG  
GC: 1T 1S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD  
GC: YOULL TH4NK M3 L4T3R  
AG: Terezi, d8n’t you d8re!!!!!!!!  
GC: NOW G3T OUT TH3R3 4ND B3 CH4RM1NG!! >:]  
  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] has blocked arachnidsGrip [AG]


	12. Karkat♦Dirk: Pacific Rim AU Where Karkat And Dirk's Drift Compatibility Is Off The Charts-- On Paper. Karkat's Open But Nervous, While Dirk Has Trouble Opening Up At All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pacific Rim AU

         The two of you have got this. You have it handled. You definitely do. Okay? Because, see, you and Dirk are _perfect._ You mean, when you got into the Jaeger program, you were mostly just hoping to get a good engineering job, see these things up close, maybe even stand in a cockpit once. But you found out that yeah, the Jaeger program looks cool from the outside, but it’s a _mess_ on the inside, and even random assholes like you sometimes get the opportunity to test for drift compatibility.  
  
         To be real, you weren’t expecting much of anything to come of it. Because Dirk, he is self-control personified. You… aren’t. But you met him and shook his hand and you smiled at you, and you think that yeah, you can tell people you were considered as a potential Jaeger pilot (you don’t have to tell them how embarrassingly you’re going to fail the test), and Dirk. Uh. Not to get ahead of yourself, but you think you might have just made a friend. He smiles and chats with you even though you’re wound tight as a spring, and he doesn’t even laugh when your fucking mouth gets going and runs away from you. You think he’s trying to calm you down. A useless gesture, but. You appreciate it.  
  
         The test itself, that part's just kind of a blur. Because you don’t really remember what they were testing you _on._ You only remember Dirk telling you to just focus on him, and yeah, you think that if you focused on all the people watching and judging you, you might have a panic attack or some shit, so you just watch him. It’s perfect. You never really understood what drift compatibility _was_ until then. Because, okay, you are self-aware enough to recognize that you’re a neurotic mess, and you don’t always get what’s going on in your own head, but… you get what’s going on in Dirk’s.  
  
         And now you’re here. In a Jaeger. You’re not fixing a broken component or installing replacement hardware, but you’re getting strapped into a set of pilot’s gear and wow. What the _fuck_ are you doing here. You look at Dirk, and he’s as calm as ever. He grins when he sees your face, and he’s still free enough to lean over and ruffle your hair before he straps in too. It’s okay. He’s been trained for this shit. You might not know what the hell you’re doing, but he’s taking the lead and you can just follow him.  
  
         The drift, now, you know basically what’s happening there (because you’ve been frantically reading all the literature you can get your hands on in the last two weeks). You have to get all up in each other’s heads for this to work, which freaks you out a bit, yeah, but Dirk— you can let him in. You’re really focused on trying to relax and open up, and you’re two hundred percent sure that any problems here are going to be _your_ fault, but when you enter the drift and reach out for him it feels like running into a brick wall.  
  
         The Jaeger lurches, and oh shit oh god you’re panicking a bit, and you’re scrambling to figure out what you did wrong, when you hear Dirk gasp, “ _Fuck—_ Sorry—” You reach out again, and he’s reaching back to you, you can feel it. It’s almost like watching a movie fast forwarding in your head. Flashes of mom and dad, your little sisters, shit, you hadn’t even realized you remembered what your old house looked like—But then you get just a split second of a home you don’t recognize, everything cuts to black, and you can feel yourself tilting. Someone is shouting something over the speakers, but you can’t hear—There a moment of a laughing boy with hair the same color as Dirk’s, but the moment twists and warps and _fuck_ you think you might be sick—  
  
         You, uh. Maybe black out for a few seconds. Someone’s powered the Jaeger down from the outside, and there are technicians just starting to come across the walkways towards you. You start to tell someone that you can let _yourself_ out and they can fuck right off, but then you notice how your hands are shaking and well. You guess they can help you this time. By the time you’re untangled, Dirk is getting chewed out by your commander. You don’t really want to listen, and the secondhand embarrassment is fucking miserable, but you can’t help overhearing a lot of the conversation. You guess that you’re not the only partner Dirk’s ever had.  
  
          When the commander finally gets done and leaves, you head over to Dirk. He’s pale and sweaty, and _wow_ he doesn’t look good. He just kind of leans up against a guard rail and tries to play it cool, and you have no goddamn idea who he thinks he’s fooling. Because you were born without the ability to be tactful, you ask him who the little kid was. Turns out Dirk has a kid brother. And turns out Dirk has never managed to let another pilot get even that far into the drift with him until today. Not to get ahead of yourself when you’re still not sure how exactly you got here, but, uh. That’s pretty fucking awful. You manage _not_ to say that, because Dirk’s calm face does a horrible job of hiding how miserable he’s feeling, and try to change the subject. You’re pretty sure he doesn’t feel like using the mess hall after everything that just happened, and you could do with a little peace and quiet yourself. You offer to get food for two and bring it back to his room and just… talk? You’re already kicking yourself for being the least subtle moron who ever had the misfortune to set foot on earth, but he smiles just a little, looks down, and says that yeah, he’d like that.


	13. Rose/Gl'bgolyb: AU Where Rose Investigates A Small Bas-Relief Sculpture Left Behind By Her Late Mother, A Prominent Professor Of Semitic Languages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovecraftian AU

I do not recall precisely what gave rise to my interest in relics of the past, but I must place its occurrence at some point in my early childhood. My mothered fostered this interest as far as she was able, and as a senior professor at a prominent university, many resources were available to her to assist in furthering my education. Her death closely followed my sixteenth birthday, and for a time I was left unable to pursue my studies further, as memories of her were so closely tied to my interest in the past, but short of a year later, my passion was revived by the discovery of a small locked box in her former possessions, labeled in a language I had never seen before or since.  
  
Contained within this box was nothing but a small sculpture, created from what I believe to be gold, but alloyed with some metal of mysterious properties that gave the sculpture a dull, whitish cast. The sculpture was strangely cool to the touch, even when, driven by curiosity, I placed it briefly within an oven that melted a simple gold earring in the same period of time. The subject of the sculpture, I believed, was no more than the product of some artist’s fevered imagination, for it captured most alarmingly the impression of _life,_ but the creature depicted was no animal that could possibly have existed on this earth.  
  
The sculpture consumed my thoughts in a way I had not experienced since before my mother’s death. Any attempt to focus on my other studies was doomed to failure, and I inevitably returned time and time again to my examination of that small, mysterious statue. The intricacy of the sculpture was remarkable. To shape metal so smoothly, without the clear impression of the application of any tool remaining, was a feat so unusual that I when I spoke of it to several artist friends, they were uncertain how it could have been done with a sculpture of such a small scale. The piece was carved in meticulous detail. As weeks passed, I found myself carrying it with me more and more frequently, often unconsciously tracing the intricate twisting of tentacles over and around each other.  
  
My passion for the object only grew with time. I eventually found myself unable to sleep without it sitting atop the table beside the head of my bed, and often I awoke in the morning to find that I had it taken it in the night to cradle it in my hands as I slept. It whispered to me in the night, dark hints of a sleeping behemoth beneath the seas, a great force that might be awakened if I so desired it. Even morphine, as prescribed by my doctor despite my protests, is insufficient to silence that great voice. I have asked myself if this is some phantasm springing forth from some disease of the mind, but whenever I think of that statue and the dark waters that lap at the edges of this town, I am drawn forth to do that which is necessary. I dream of the day when that being will rise and claim dominion over this helpless, misshapen human race that has swarmed for too long over lands that were never rightfully theirs. I hear that voice, calling me now, and even these witless, thuggish keepers will not keep me from my appointed task. I come! I come!


	14. Nepeta♥Kanaya: AU Where Kanaya Works In A Coffee Shop... In The Seediest, Most Cutthroat Sector Of Alternia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for blood and death in this story

         The first time you see someone pull a weapon in the coffee shop, you just sort of shrug and go back to your tea. Purrhaps it’s a little excessive to be robbing a _coffee shop,_ but, well. In this part of the city, you expect that efurrybody has to deal with this sooner or later. You’re not really listening to what the woman behind the counter is saying, but you spot when she bends down to get the money or whatefur the guy wants. She comes back up with a chainsaw. _That_ gets your attention.   
  
          You just barely catch it as she swings smoothly and cuts the would-be thief in two. Literally. Two pieces of him thud down onto the floor, and when the blue starts spreading, the woman just leans ofur the counter, looks, and sighs. She apologizes to you for the inconvenience as she drags the first half of the guy past your table and out a back door, and when she comes back for the other half, you manage to say something about it not being any trouble at all, and uh, it was a pleasure to watch her. She hums to herself as she mops up the blood.  
  
          You're not _really_ a coffee shop kind of girl, but. Well. Maybe you want to give it a try? There’s no reason to be _embarrassed,_ efurryone is allowed to try new things sometimes! And when you get there and settle in with your cup of tea early at night, she’s almost always the one working behind the counter, and you’re purrfectly content with this new habit you seem to have developed. She even starts to recognize you, and a little while after that, she starts to remember your order. It makes you smile from ear to ear when you walk in the door and she greets you by name.  
  
          Things have been pretty quiet in the coffee shop since that memorable furst visit, but you’re waiting for your chance. It’s not— It’s not like you’re just trying to impress her, okay?? Kanaya’s the _best,_ that’s the situation here, and if you get a chance to help her out (and maybe show off a little), you’re not going to argue with that. You’re sipping your tea and reading a book when you see the woman come through the door. There’s something about the way she holds herself, the way she looks furtively around, and this is the _purrfect_ opportunity for you.   
  
          The thief gets about halfway through her furst threat befur you’re up behind her, one hand for her hair, and another just for claws. They cut smoothly, because they _always_ do and not because you think Kanaya is the kind of person to be impressed by someone who keeps their strife specibus in good shape. You’re left holding the body and feeling kind of awkward, because now that you’re here, you, uh. That might have been a little purrsumptuous, acting like Kanaya couldn’t take care of herself— But she smiles and reaches out to touch your shoulder, and asks if you’ll accept a complimentary cup of tea after she cleans up the mess. And, um. Well. You’d _love_ to.


	15. John♠Sollux: AU Where Sollux Was In An Accident That Left Him Blind, And John Is Pretty Insensitive And Rude About The Issue, Which Is Good Because Sollux Is Feeling More Than He Has In A Long Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for depression and a (past) traumatic accident in this story

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
  
EB: whoa!  
EB: so you really do have a pesterchum account?  
EB: i thought rose was just pulling my leg.  
TA: oh hii there john  
TA: niice two 2ee you ob2erviing common courte2iie2  
TA: liike ba2iic greeting2 all that 2hiit that wriigler2 u2ually learn before they pupate  
TA: and why the fuck are you 2urprii2ed ii have an account when liiterally everyone el2e you know doe2 two  
EB: well, you know.  
EB: you’re blind!  
TA: ii2 thii2 more of that patented egbert 2en2iitiivity  
EB: wait, do you want me to pretend you’re not blind?  
EB: because that would be really weird at this point.  
TA: ooh 2ollux youre eatiing food ii2 iit becau2e youre blind  
TA: youre walking around out2iide how do you do that when youre blind  
EB: okay, in my defense, I was trying to figure out how you cook when you can't see.  
EB: and how you manage not to get hit by cars, or anything like that.  
EB: but it seems a little more interesting that you have a chat client installed!  
EB: because, it’s text-based and you’re, you know.  
EB: blind.  
TA: go2h iit2 almo2t liike we liive iin a technologiically advanced world where text-to-2peech and 2peech-to-text have been around for 2weep2  
TA: 2ollux how do you breathe when youre bliind  
TA: how do you manage not to choke on aiir when you cant 2ee  
EB: i'm just curious!  
EB: because you use being blind as a reason why you can’t do things all the time?  
TA: when the fuck have ii done that  
EB: last week when karkat tried to invite you to game night.  
EB: or yesterday when terezi tried to get you to go shopping with her.  
TA: ok there ii2 a diifference between thiinkiing ii cant do 2omethiing becau2e iim blind and u2iing bliindne22 two get out of doiing thiing2 ii dont want two do  
EB: okay, then how about when you said you couldn’t go to college?  
TA: a22hole college ii2 on a whole other level from real liife  
TA: iif iit2 hard to manage accomodatiion2 for wheelchair2 why the fuck do you thiink ii want two deal wiith fiiguriing out accomodatiion2 for 2omeone who cant 2ee  
TA: that2 goiing to be real fun wriitiing paper2 wiithout beiing able to 2ee the paper  
EB: yeah, but you were just talking about how modern technology helps with those issues.  
EB: plus, terezi’s two years in now and she’s having the time of her life.  
TA: maybe ii ju2t dont feel liike botheriing wiith college anymore diid you ever con2iider that  
EB: okay, whatever, dude.  
EB: not like a year ago you were all about how oooh you’re going to finish college faster than any of us.  
EB: hurr durr i'm sollux and i'm going to get my bachelors in three years and my doctorate in five.  
EB: look at me i'm twice as smart as all of you put together.  
TA: yeah well maybe 2omthiing ha2 CHANGED from a year ago 2hiithead  
TA: diid you ever con2iider that  
EB: but you jump down my throat whenever i ask about how being blind is an issue!  
EB: except then you pull the blind card whenever I suggest something without talking about how you’re blind!  
EB: i'm kind of just starting to think you’re out to screw yourself over  
TA: what the fuck kiind way ii2 that two talk two a per2on  
TA: are you goiing two be a fuckiing diiplomat when you get out of 2chool  
TA: becau2e iif you are iim goiing to flee the country before you provoke a nuclear 2triike  
EB: i'm just trying to figure out how this all works!  
EB: except it looks like i'm just figuring out the ultimate self-sabotage strategy.  
TA: what the actual fuck ii2 thii2 how youve alway2 talked two people or are you ju2t makiing a 2peciial effort two be a2 iin2en2iitiive a2 po22iible two me  
EB: i just want to know if being blind doesn’t stop you from doing anything you want to do, or if being blind is stopping you from going to college!  
TA: iit2 harder than you thiink you iidiiot dont you thiink iive looked iinto thii2  
EB: haha, looked.  
TA: oh my god you 2HIITHEAD  
EB: sorry!  
EB: but terezi is blind and she’s in college!  
TA: iit2 diifferent when you 2tart that way a2 a kiid  
TA: iive only been dealiing wiith thii2 2hiit for a year  
EB: but the resources are all there and if you go to the local school you can totally exploit her for everything she knows.  
TA: FIINE iill 2tart fiilliing out an appliicatiion ii2 that what iit wiill take for you two leave me alone  
TA: becau2e at thii2 poiint iid be wiilliing two do fuckiing anythiing  
EB: it’s a good start!  
EB: why don’t you schedule a campus tour too?  
TA: oh my god ii wasnt 2eriiou2 you can go now  
EB: it’s no trouble!  
EB: i got terezi to send me the number of the student accomodations office.  
TA: by you can go  
TA: ii meant plea2e go  
TA: plea2e  
EB: okay, but only if you promise to show up to this week’s game night!  
EB: otherwise i'll tell karkat that you’re just skipping out because you think it’s too much trouble.  
TA: dont you dare  
TA: ii have karkat waiitiing on me hand and foot and you wiill not ruiin that for me  
EB: if you wanted to yell at him for something at the game night, i think that would go well!  
EB: he’s been worried, you know!  
EB: i think most of the people will stop treating you different when you stop acting like they should treat you different!  
TA: what the fuck  
TA: iim not acting liike that  
TA: theyre actiing liike that  
EB: well, you want things to go back to normal, right?  
EB: so why not act like things are allowed to go back to normal?  
EB: i'll take that as a yes on the game night, then!  
EB: see you tomorrow!  
TA: waiit john get the fuck back here  
TA: you get the fuck back here riight now  
  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]


	16. Dirk/Sollux: AU Where Sollux Is A Vampire Who Has One-Night Stand With Dirk And Ends Up Falling Asleep In His Bedroom, Until He Wakes Up to The Morning Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for implied sex in this story

         The guy you want to bring home is hot as _shit._ Sure, probably not by everyone’s standards, fine, but if you add up all the bits and pieces on your private checklist of holy-shit-take-me-now, this guy fits the bill perfectly. He’s so goddamn perfect that you’re already resigned to him being taken or straight or plain not interested, but you figure it can’t hurt to buy him a drink anyways. He lisps too, which is the key little detail for you to knock him down one hundred percent flawless, put-him-on-a-pedestal-and-worship-him-from-afar idealizing, to real, attainable person you’re going to do your best to bring back to your apartment tonight. When you head on over with a drink and introduce yourself, you find out his name is Sollux.

  
          You think it’s over when he tells you he doethn’t drink… beer, but it turns out he’s just into intensely sweet cocktails, the kind where even if the umbrella isn’t included your brain helpfully supplies one anyways. You’re feeling comfortable enough to tease him for drinking silly overpriced mixed drinks at a bar like this, and he just laughs and makes fun of you for drinking something that tastes like carbonated horse piss. In the end, when Sollux kisses you he tastes like all those drinks, and you just can’t get enough of him. He even asks _you_ if he can come back to your place, and you’re so into him that you don’t even bother trying to play it cool.

          Biting’s not really your thing, but it sure is his, and you can’t help getting into it when he’s so enthusiastic about the whole thing. You’re pretty fucking enthusiastic about the whole night, and you don’t end up even close to falling asleep until close to five in the goddamn morning. You don’t mind that at _all._ What you do mind is waking up less than two hours later to the smell of someone cooking something in your apartment. Your first thought is that Sollux got up and is cooking you breakfast, which is sweet, but can’t he wait to do it until, say, noon? But you roll over and he’s still lying there right next to you. Your brain is a little slow to kick into gear, and it takes you a minute to realize that what’s cooking is _Sollux._

          Whoa, _fuck—_ You bolt upright and take a closer look, and he’s got a whole arm hanging out into the space where your curtains don’t quite close, and holy shit, that is looking like second-degree burn territory. You have _no_ goddamn idea what the fuck is going on, but he’s actually _sizzling,_ god, and you end up just throwing him over your shoulder and hauling ass away from the bed. The only room in your apartment without windows is the bathroom, so you dump him in there, then go back out looking for pillows, painkillers, and your emergency first aid kit. And a flashlight. You have no idea what the fuck is going on with this whole light thing, but at the moment, you’re freaked enough that you don’t want to even turn on the bathroom overhead lights.

          When you get back, he’s kind of moaning and is curled up around his arm. He winces at the light coming through the door, so you shut that right quick and sit down on the floor next to him. You flip the flashlight on and stand it on its end so you can see at least a _little_ of what you’re doing, and Sollux snags a few pillows to lean on and tries not to look at you as you check out his arm. You do the first aid on autopilot, even though your brain won’t stop racing trying to figure out just what the hell is going on. Sollux just kind of watches you work and pops a few painkillers, and you’re trying not to pressure him, but you can’t think of any way to explain this that isn’t out of an awful fantasy novel. He finally sighs, mutters something about how the cat’th out of the bag, and snags your hand. You’re completely lost, that’s it, you’re adrift on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and then he brings your hand to his mouth. You can feel— his teeth. His extremely sharp teeth. Your neck twinges as you remember last night. Well. _Fuck._  



	17. Karkat♦Everyone: AU Where Karkat Is The Most Successful Pale Porn Star That Alternia's Ever Seen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for the porn industry, although it isn't described in a sexual or damaging way.

You’re a success, you suppose. You mean, you definitely are a success, you’re just not sure how to feel about it. You guess you should be happy that you found something you’re good at. If you’d gone into the military, even if you hadn’t been culled outright the first time someone saw your blood, you probably would have met with an… accident of some kind. The videos, they only started as a way to make rent while you figured out what to do with your mess of a life. Turns out that now your life is making videos.  
  
And yeah, rent. That’s a thing you haven’t had to worry about for a long, long time. Because even if you’ve gradually gotten used to calling yourself a success, it’s still a ways to go before you’ll feel comfortable admitting that you’re the highest paid pale porn star in the empire. It just… happened. You auditioned because your bank accounts were empty enough that it was coming down to making a choice on keeping up with your rent or feeding yourself, and you thought that just maybe there was a production company out there that was desperate enough to be willing to give you a paycheck. Out of what must have been hundreds of applicants, they called you back. Then they invited you back again. And again.  
  
Your agent (because yeah, you have an agent now, holy _shit_ it still feels weird to have someone working for you) says that it’s because you look genuine on screen. And, well. You’re a little embarrassed to admit it, but it hadn’t occurred to you _not_ to act genuine. Once you think about it, sure, you’ve watched plenty of porn videos where the acting was so wooden you couldn’t even get into it. But when you’re on set and there’s another troll with you, you’d just assumed that the way to act was to trick yourself into being pale for the other actor.  
  
It works really well too, that’s the thing. You’re almost ashamed of how easy it is to find the right angle on every one of your costars, to get in your own head and figure out what exactly about them makes you want to take care of them and hold them close. And at least on set, you kind of think they maybe feel the same way about you? Your agent says you have a way of bringing out the best in your costars, and one memorable time, when the other actor was too genuinely sick to work and a crewmember who’d never acted life got pulled onto the set, the video you got out of it was your most successful film for perigees. You’ve worked with people you legitimately disliked, sure, but you’ve also gotten to know a whole lot of people in the business just by starring in videos with them.  
  
There was the brownblood with no legs, for one. He was the first actor you’d ever worked with who had a legitimate disability, and you were still young and didn’t know what way was up, and when he came to the set in bandages you freaked out a bit because you thought he’d cut his legs off just to get a job in the business. He’s one of the nicest guys you’ve ever known, and he took you off to the side and shooshed you a little even though the video was supposed to be about calming _him_ down while he recovers from the trauma of losing his legs in an accident. He even peeled back one of the bandages to show you that it happened sweeps and sweeps ago, and, uh, he just found a way to make it work for him. You’ve done other videos since then, stuff like helping him get used to his new (‘new’) prosthetic legs, and he’s one of the easiest actors you've ever worked with.  
  
You’ve got one other regular costar who’s actually disabled too, though she’s a hell of a lot harder to get along with. She’s blind, that’s her _thing,_ and you think that the way she plays up the whole helpless angle in videos is just how she gets her kicks. On-set, she’s fumbling around her hive, barely even able to dress herself, but off-set, she’s one of the most independent, difficult people you know. She actually sees with her _nose_ or some shit, which means that even when you’re supposed to be the one in control of a scene, she’s got plenty of ways to figure out what she wants and how she’s going to make you do it. You get along though, which is good. You’ve heard that whenever she actually dislikes her costars she makes the production so difficult that the whole thing has to be called off. She sometimes makes you do narrated play-by-plays of your videos for her, just to see you blush cherry-red.  
  
The set worker who jumped in as your costar at the last minute, you think that job was what actually jump-started her career in these videos. You haven’t worked with her much, because she mostly does concupiscent work and you’re exclusively conciliatory, but she’s stayed in touch and keeps you posted on what she’s doing. You see her filming a lot with this cerulean woman, because rust to cerulean is exactly the kind of hemospectrum difference that gets the attention to bump up video view counts. The cerulean has worked with you sometimes. She prides herself of working in all of the quadrants, and she thinks she’s hot shit. It can get annoying, but whenever you end up doing a nice long shoot with her, you can take your time, get her to forget that the cameras are even there, and coax her into opening up and being genuine. Your agent says that you’re one of the only people who can get decent pale videos out of her at all.  
  
There are actually a lot of highbloods in the industry, even higher than cerulean. You’ve worked with this one actual cultist pretty often, which freaked you out at first, but he’s the most irritatingly laid-back guy you’ve ever met. He’s good at putting on the pitiful act for the cameras too. The first time you saw him, you figured he was probably too high to even know what way was up, but he’s just naturally good at knowing the perfect way to act convincingly helpless. You guess the producers think the two of you have great chemistry, because you end up filming a lot of videos together.  
  
There’s even a seadweller or two in the business. There’s one who’s the _neediest_ asshole you’ve ever seen, on or off the camera, but on set he’s got enough pride to really pull off the whole refusing-to-admit-he-needs-a-moirail deal, leading to eventual emotional breakdown. He’s got sweeps of experience in the industry by now, but he’s never actually had a single quadrant in real life, so even on film he’s got a knack for playing it inexperienced, nervous, and hopeful. There’s this one other seadweller too, and _this_ is one hell of a secret, but you accidentally got pointed into the wrong dressing room once and saw her doing her makeup. She was putting on violet blush… to cover up the tyrian. She begged you not to give her away, but _fuck,_ especially after filming a whole video with her and seeing how sweet she is on and off camera, you could never have brought yourself to do something like that to her.  
  
Being a mutant and papping seadwellers is pretty kinky in and of itself, but sometimes these producers get these other ideas that are just crazy. You’ve actually filmed some pale threesome videos, which is something you never thought you’d do, not in a million sweeps. The couple you usually work with for those, you heard that they’re actually moirails in real life, and _incredibly_ codependent. They don’t film unless it’s with each other, and there’s only so many videos of _just_ the same couple that a production company can put out, but you guess that they’re okay filming with third parties. Even if it weirded you out at first, the energy when you shoot with them is incredible. They bounce off each other so well that you can’t help getting sucked into their dynamic, and even if you bitch about what a pain these threesome videos are, you generally have a great time working with them.  
  
Up until you’d worked with the moirail couple, you were pretty exclusively the person doing the papping in your videos. Your first time filming with them, even though you hadn’t meant for it to go that way, there wasn’t any one clear papping partner. Everyone took turns taking the lead, or each pair ganged up on the third, and by the end you were thinking that maybe you were okay getting papped on camera. You’d brought up the idea to your agent, since she’d been getting a bit worried you were a little limited, and she introduced you to this nice jade she used to work with. You were more nervous at that shoot than you’d been since your first time on set, but she was nice. She was _really_ nice. She took her time and made sure you were comfortable in a way that still worked in-scene, and that video ended up making you a hell of a lot of money once it got posted. You work with her pretty often these days.  
  
She’s your most pleasant costar to work with, and it isn’t even a contest. You’ve also definitely got a ‘least pleasant to work with’ costar, a psionic where you’re not actually sure how he made it into pale videos in the first place. He seems like he’d do much better in pitch films, because you’re pretty sure he’s genetically incapable of _not_ doing everything physically possible to annoy the shit out of everyone around him. All your videos seem almost more pitch than pale, and you thought you might get in trouble for that, but they keep selling so you guess someone just like them. And you come away from those sets feeling excited and energized, and the sniping between you and him goes on long after cameras stop rolling. If anyone’s going to troll you in the middle of the day just to send you a virus that’ll fuck up your husktop beyond repair, it’s going to be him.  
  
Actually, you get a lot of people trolling you in the middle of the day, at night, at evening when you’re trying to sleep in, when you’re supposed to be in important meetings. And whenever you want someone to talk to, at least one of your friends is almost guaranteed to be online. You’re allowed to call them friends at this point, right? You think you can do that. And even though you’re just a pale porn star who’s good at tricking himself into caring about the person he’s filming with, it turns out that caring doesn’t go away when the cameras stop rolling. And, uh. You don’t want to flatter yourself or make any assumptions. But you think that maybe somehow you ended up surrounded by a bunch of people who care about you too.


	18. Eridan/Psiioniic: AU Where Feferi Kills The Condesce, Eridan Explores The Captured Battleship Condescension And Finds A Living Troll In The Ship's Remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for body horror of a helmsman sort of flavor

         You’re just sorta wanderin through the halls of the old Condesce’s battleship, just checkin it out and thinkin that maybe Fef won’t be wantin _such_ a big ship, especially if she happened to have a good friend who’s been lookin for a battleship a his own an took a shine to this one—But that’s you gettin ahead a yourself. You’re still not even quite sure that this ship’s quite up to your standards. It’s pretty old and took some real heavy damage in that last fight. There’s bits of the ship as are still sealed off so the whole glubbin thing doesn’t depressurize. You’re not entirely positive you’ll want the ship, but it’s just so _big_ and it’d be a real fuckin shame if you didn’t at least give it a chance.  
  
         You’ve got some vague thought a findin the engine room to see what kinda power this thing has, but the fuckin ship isn’t laid out with any rhyme or reason, an you’re not sure if it’s cause it’s so _old,_ or because it’s the empress who was old an cracked in the head, but you’re getting real fuckin frustrated after an hour or two of havin no goddamn luck at all. A ship this size, there’s only so many places you can _fit_ the engines, especially with hardware as old as this ship must have. You’re about to leave an demand Kar or Sol or someone find you some actual fuckin blueprints, when you open an inconspicuous door an find him.  
  
         You’re just in shock at first. You mean, everyone _knows_ about helmsmen, at least as wriggler stories, but. First things first, it takes a whole lot a glubbin psionics to run even a little shuttle in space, an you can’t even comprehend what kinda power this guy must have to fly a battleship this size. Second, holy _shit,_ trolls aren’t the nicest people in the galaxy, but you’ve been after a spaceship since you were little an you’ve done your research, an it’s been hundreds an hundreds a sweeps since helmsmen have been used with permanent instead a temporary installations. Even Sol has talked here an there about gettin himself fitted out with ports for Fef, but this guy—It’s a little hard to tell from this far back, but it looks like they just lopped off most a his arms an legs and jacked the biowires into whatever was left.  
  
         At first look, you’re pretty sure the guy is actually dead. He’s hangin all limp in his wires an there’s yellow blood all down his front. When he twitches, that’s bad enough to scare the _shit_ outta you, but then your palmhusk goes off in your pocket and you just about jump outta your fuckin skin.

II: who are you  
II: what are you doIIng here

          You swallow. “I’m the new owner a this ship.” That’s bein a little presumptuous, but you’re pretty sure Fef isn’t gonna want this at all once she finds out how it was bein powered. “Eridan Ampora. Who are you?”

II: the helm  
II: what happened  
II: where IIs she

          “Spoils a war is what happened.” He’s got his head up now an he’s watchin you from behind goggles. He’s got the same doubled horns an sign as Sol, an you can’t even find it in you to hate him for it. Then you replay what you just said in your own head an you could just _kick_ yourself. “I mean the _ship’s_ the spoils a war, not—You—”

II: IIm just part of the shIIp  
II: IIt doesnt matter  
II: where IIs she  
II: II dont know what happened

          “If by ‘she,’ you mean the old empress? Dead.” The helmsman jerks in his wires, an the expression on his face is in some painful-to-look-at place between glee an horror. “There’s, uh. There’s a new empress. An she’s not gonna be wantin you like this. Not that—I mean—”

II: decomIIssIIoned

          “No, no.” You don’t even know how to fuckin say this. Who would expect to be caught in this position in this day an age? “Have you ever… looked up helmsmen? Online?”

II: no net prIIvIIleges

          You’re seriously fuckin appalled. “Because you must a been alive for, god, hundreds an hundreds a sweeps, right? Then what do you _do?_ ”

II: not much  
II: run the shIIp

          You clear your throat. “There’s, uh. Been. _Advances_ in helm technology since you’ve been installed. I guess.”

II: what do you mean

          “Um. I want to say it was about… four or five hundred sweeps ago. Helmsmen made the transition from, ah. Permanent installations. To temporary. So that, you know. You can unplug from the helm an be a troll sometimes.” There’s a downright fuckin horrifying wheezing noise coming from the body in front a you, and it takes a moment to realize that he’s _laughin._

II: IIts fIIne  
II: she never would have IInstalled me lIIke that anyways

          “She’s dead now,” you venture. “An the new empress is real big on autonomy, equality, all that shit.”

II: doesnt matter  
II: IIm a shIIp now

          You clear your throat. “Well. About that. I’m not sure how much longer this ship is gonna be a ship.”

II: the damage  
II: II notIIced that part  
II: feels lIIke mIIssIIng lIImbs

          “I guess you’d know about that,” you say, because you’re a _fuckin_ idiot who doesn’t think before you speak, but maybe it’s okay because the helmsman is doin that wheezy laugh thing again.

II: IIts not a problem  
II: IIve been alIIve long enough  
II: II was never meant to survIIve the shIIp

          “We could try to get you out. I mean, if you wanted. I’ve got some real good tech types I could call, or, uh, I know a guy who’s thinkin about becomin a helm when he gets the chance, an. Probably we could find you another ship, or _fuck,_ I didn’t mean you had to helm, you could definitely never helm again if that’s what you wanted—” Yeah, your mouth’s runnin off without you, but seein him hangin there limp an helpless an not carin at all what happens to himself, it’s doin funny things to your insides. “I’m tryin to say that I think we could uninstall you. Without, you know. Killing you.”

II: II dont really care

          “Then, uh. May I? Uninstall you, I mean.” He stares at you for a while, an you wish you knew what he was evaluatin, because you’re feeling younger an more incompetent than you have in sweeps. You came out here just thinkin a lookin for a new battleship to call your own, an now all you’re hopin to do is break this troll outta the prison he’s been in for longer than you can imagine. You wish you knew what he was lookin for in you, but you’re increasingly sure you’re just not measurin up.

II: IIf you want  
II: IIts fIIne

          You relax and troll Eq right quick to get down here to help you with a bioengineering emergency. You give him the basic details, as far as you’re able, an ask about how long it takes to get a troll fitted up with prosthetic limbs, because you’re painfully aware that ‘uninstallation’ is basically an ugly little euphemism for ‘quadruple amputation.’ But given how he was installed, the guy must know what he’s gettin into, an you’d feel downright fuckin awful at leavin him alone in a burned out husk of a spaceship like this. You’re just kinda left tappin your toes an tryin to pass the time until Eq gets to you. You don’t really wanna be pesterin the helm like a little wriggler, cause you’re definitely a full fuckin adult, with like, dignity an grace an shit. But finally the curiosity gets to you, an you have to ask, “What’s your name?” It sounds real fuckin dumb comin out like that, an there’s awkward silence for a minute an you’re all set to be ignored or rebuffed or whatever, but then your palmhusk goes off with an alert an you look down.

II: mIItuna captor


	19. Aradia♥Jade: Welcome To Night Vale AU With Aradia As Cecil And Jade As Carlos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome To Night Vale AU

AA: a serene desert c0mmunity where the m00ns cast dark shad0ws fr0m the dr0nes 0utside 0ur hive wind0ws  
AA: welc0me t0 night vale  
AA: listeners  
AA: i must tell y0u that this evening a certain scientist  
AA: a favorite 0f this stati0n  
AA: came t0 visit 0ur building bef0re this br0adcast began  
AA: beautiful perfect jade  
AA: sadly i was n0t asked t0 j0in her f0r c0ffee  
AA: 0r f0r a r0mantic candlelit dinner  
AA: rather  
AA: she wished t0 ask me ab0ut glaciers  
AA: listeners  
AA: y0u kn0w i have 0nly the highest 0pini0n 0f jade and her kn0wledge 0f all matters scientific  
AA: but i must bem0an the state 0f 0ur great empires educational system given the gaps in basic kn0wledge that are present in even 0ur m0st brilliant minds  
AA: jade was m0st puzzled by the presence 0f 0ur t0wns glacier fields  
AA: and was c0vinced that the presence 0f these glaciers sh0uld be an imp0ssibility given 0ur t0wns warm desert climate  
AA: i attempted t0 explain that these glaciers have been here f0r time immem0rial  
AA: as depicted in 0ur t0wns hier0glyphic rec0rds  
AA: which date back for th0usands up0n th0usands 0f years in languages kn0wn t0 n0 tr0ll  
AA: she questi0ned at s0me length h0w these glaciers were able t0 survive given the ambient temperature 0f 0ur little community  
AA: ambient is such a w0nderful scientific w0rd  
AA: and was c0mpletely unc0nvinced they c0uld have remained here with0ut melting f0r such a peri0d 0f time  
AA: i t0ld her that 0f c0urse glaciers are made 0f ice  
AA: and theref0re they c00l the surr0unding air t0 a temperature at which they will n0t melt  
AA: dear listeners  
AA: this 0nly g0es t0 sh0w that even the m0st intelligent 0f us must remember that we can never st0p learning  
AA: h0wever jade remained skeptical  
AA: and s0  
AA: i asked her if she wanted t0 meet for lunch s0metime t0 talk about glaciers  
AA: and  
AA: she said yes!  
AA: jade and i are meeting for lunch the night after t0m0rr0w  
AA: after that she had t0 leave t0 c0ntinue her imp0rtant scientific w0rk  
AA: but  
AA: dear listeners  
AA: d0 y0u kn0w what this means  
AA: jade and i  
AA: have a date!!!  
AA: y0u kn0w i am n0t s0 unpr0fessi0nal as t0 share all the details 0f my private life 0n this br0adcast  
AA: but it is simply imp0ssible t0 c0ntain my excitement at this devel0pment  
AA: and by raising the subject 0f glaciers with me  
AA: why jade practically asked me 0ut herself  
AA: 0h listeners  
AA: i can 0nly h0pe that such scientific advances are made in the c0urse 0f this day that i may 0nce again have reas0n t0 speak t0 y0u 0f science  
AA: yet f0r the m0ment  
AA: this strange field 0f study must remain as much a mystery t0 y0u as it d0es t0 me  
AA: we can 0nly pray that 0ur hunger f0r science may be equaled by jades ability to feed that hunger  
AA: and wait with bated breath f0r the night she ch00ses t0 share that strange kn0wledge with us  
AA: and n0w  
AA: the weather


	20. Karkat♥Sollux: Retirement Home AU Where Both Of Them Are Widowers Who Find New Love With Each Other But Are Cranky Assholes About It

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]  
  
CG: HEY, BULGESORE.  
CG: YOU SHOULD COME OVER TO MY HIVEBLOCK TONIGHT.  
TA: fuck no you promii2ed to come to miine thii2 tiime  
CG: WHAT, DO YOU THINK I FORGOT?  
CG: ARE YOU SITTING OVER THERE THINKING THAT GOD, KARKAT MUST BE SO SENILE HE’S BECOME COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF REMEMBERING WHAT HE'S SAID ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS.  
CG: HE’S JUST SITTING THERE WITH PAN MATTER DRIBBLING OUT OF HIS AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS.  
CG: HE MUST BE ASKING SOLLUX OVER TO WIPE THE DROOL FROM HIS CHIN, THAT’S WHAT HE’S DOING.  
TA: oh my god calm down you a22hole  
TA: are you 2eriiou2ly expectiing me two do whatever you 2ay wiithout ever que2tiioniing iit  
TA: 2orry but iim not that dumb  
CG: WERE YOU GOING TO EVER GET AROUND TO ASKING FOR AN EXPLANATION OR WERE YOU JUST GOING TO WASTE THE ENTIRE NIGHT PRACTICING YOUR HILARIOUSLY STALE WIT?  
TA: were you ever planniing to leave me a conver2atiional openiing two actually a2k for an explanatiion  
CG: IT’S NOT MY FAULT IF YOU’RE TOO SLOW TO SEIZE THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY.  
TA: fiine  
TA: kk why are you a2kiing me two come two your hiiveblock even though you ju2t promii2ed ye2terday that wed 2pend toniight at my place  
CG: I FELL AND DID SOMETHING TO MY KNEE.  
CG: I CAN’T ACTUALLY WALK RIGHT NOW.  
TA: you 2hiithead why diidnt you ju2t 2ay 2o  
TA: how bad ii2 iit  
CG: NOT THAT BAD.  
CG: IT’S DEFINITELY GETTING BETTER.  
CG: BUT IT’S NOT AT THE POINT WHERE I WANT TO PUT IN TWENTY MINUTES OF WALKING JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT.  
CG: WITH THE CANE I CAN JUST ABOUT MANAGE TO HOBBLE TO AND FROM THE ABLUTION BLOCK, AND THAT’S ABOUT IT.  
TA: ii keep telliing you two get a motoriized four wheel deviice liike ii have  
CG: FUCK YOU, I’M NOT THAT HELPLESS.  
TA: iit2 not a matter of helple22ne22  
TA: contrary to what you may beliieve  
TA: the be2t way two take care of iinjuriie2 ii2 two actually take care of them  
TA: not ju2t iignore the problem and hope iit goe2 away  
CG: IT’S A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE.  
CG: I CAN STILL STAND, SO I’M SURE AS FUCK NOT GOING TO SIT.  
TA: yeah 2o can ii but there are 2ure 2ome day2 where beiing able to 2it help2 me get thiing2 done that defiiniitely werent goiing two happen iif ii had two 2tand two do the work  
TA: and there are other benefiit2  
TA: you know that one cerulean a22ii22tant with the 2hort curvy horn2  
CG: THAT JACKASS WHO LIKES TO PRETEND THAT HE’S DEAF AND WE’RE INANIMATE OBJECTS?  
CG: FUCK THAT GUY.  
CG: LAST TIME HE WAS IN HERE HE DIDN’T LISTEN TO WHAT I WAS TELLING HIM ABOUT THE WASHER AND RUINED THAT SWEATER YOU GOT ME FOR MY LAST WRIGGLING DAY.  
TA: 2hiit ii diidnt realiize hed done that  
TA: well ii defiiniitely dont feel bad about thii2 now  
TA: ye2terday ii wa2 driiviing back from diinner and he wa2nt paying attentiion  
TA: ran riight the fuck over hiis toe2  
CG: HAHA, SHIT, REALLY?  
TA: AND ii managed to 2tall out riight on top of them  
CG: I THOUGHT THOSE THINGS DIDN’T STALL?  
TA: they dont  
TA: but he diidnt know that  
TA: and ii ju2t acted all old and confu2ed whiile he triied two get me off of hiim  
TA: took hiim a good half miinute  
TA: go2h iif only hed known to a2k 2omeone iin the near viiciiniity two u2e theiir p2iioniic2 two move the four wheel deviice off hii2 toe2  
TA: iif only  
CG: OH MY GOD, THAT’S THE BEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL PERIGEE.  
CG: FUCK, MAYBE I *SHOULD* GET ONE OF THOSE THINGS.  
TA: dont get your hope2 up  
TA: that kiind of precii2iion driiviing take2 mad 2kiill2  
CG: I *AM* GOING TO DO IT NOW, BECAUSE FUCK YOU.  
CG: I’M GOING TO BECOME THE TERROR OF THESE HALLS.  
TA: 2o anyway2  
TA: even though you managed to break your2elf and youre two fuckiing 2tubborn to have any way two move your 2tupiid a22 two the hiiveblock you promii2ed two vii2iit  
TA: ii 2eem to be the iintelliigent one iin thii2 relatiion2hiip who actually ha2 a way to tran2port hiim2elf even though my hiip2 are giiviing me trouble and iit would have been niice to waiit at home for a change  
CG: WOW, YOU WANT TO LAY ON THE GUILT ANY HEAVIER THERE?  
TA: dumba22 the poiint ii2 that iim the one who wa2 2mart enough to plan for contiingenciie2 liike our bodiie2 breakiing down iin extreme old age  
TA: but hey iif youre feeliing guiilty why not ju2t make iit up two me when ii get there  
CG: I WAS GOING TO DO THAT ANYWAYS, IDIOT.  
CG: HOW LONG UNTIL YOU GET HERE?  
TA: liike two miinute2  
TA: ii left pretty much a2 2oon a2 you a2ked me two come over  
CG: THEN HOW WERE YOU TALKING TO ME?  
CG: WERE YOU MESSAGING AND DRIVING?  
TA: oh plea2e thii2 thiing hiit2 liike fiive miile2 an hour maxiimum  
TA: iim old  
TA: iif anyone call2 me out iill ju2t act confu2ed untiil they leave me alone  
CG: SHIT, I *REALLY* HAVE TO GET ONE OF THOSE THINGS.  
CG: I’LL START HOBBLING OVER TO LET YOU IN NOW.  
CG: THANKS.  
CG: <3  
TA: <3  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]


End file.
